Earthly Pain and Heavenly Hope

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I went to the pool today and only swam for 30 minutes. My knees have been hurting from doing too much breaststroke over the past few days, so I’ve decided to take it easy and only swim for 30–45 minutes a day instead of a full hour.

Lately, I’ve been feeling unsure again about bringing kids into the world. Swimming used to be one of the things I was most excited about, and now that I have to cut back, it makes me sad. I guess I could just do more freestyle kicking and still swim for an hour—just less breaststroke—but it still makes me sad that so many sports can cause injuries so easily. Sometimes it feels like I can never win in this life.

I guess in Heaven I’ll be able to play for unlimited amounts of time and experience no pain. That’s really nice. But here on Earth, there are so many limits and so many betrayals. It’s so exhausting.

I’m sorry for being negative—I just felt that this was the truth. I really want to be kind and fair. And I don’t think it’s kind or fair to have children right now. So my life plan is just to enjoy learning about the world, maybe write books, learn new hobbies and languages (potentially German), and spend time with my family. That sounds really good to me. But if I ever lose my family, that’ll be very, very hard for me.

Also, I’m feeling grateful for not being in a relationship. I don’t ever want to lower my standards again. I want a guy I’m completely attracted to, who’s completely attracted to me, who loves me completely, and whom I love completely. I probably won’t find that in this lifetime, but I probably will in Heaven.

Heaven sounds like a great place to be. I guess I’ll just daydream about Heaven from now on.

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