Aida Hashemi

We were at the baptism, and when things wrapped up with snacks in the gym, he mentioned there was volleyball and pickleball equipment available. We ended up playing right then and there! I’m so grateful for those sports—I’ve been loving pickleball especially lately.  This experience made me realize how cool it would be to have a like-minded partner who wants to play with you anytime, anywhere. Even at the end of a celebration, while everyone else is hanging out and eating, you two are there playing together. I never used to think having those specific things in common was important, but I can’t lie: it’s actually really nice.

 ^ Just 15 mins ago.... I don't know why, but that's really meaningful to me. :)

I’ve just been at Panera studying and trying to become a better student, and I feel so much better most days. I’m not healing from emotional betrayal anymore — at least not most days. I still don’t like life very much when I don’t get enough sleep, but that’s mostly in my control. I’m trying to be mindful of food and exercise — like not eating too late, exercising enough to feel tired, and not staying out too late. I have to be careful. Man, I love life so much more now. The peace I feel is incredible. Listening to “Cinnamon Girl” and simply enjoying the song without emotional distress feels incredible.

I think the man who shall not be named is getting married within the next couple of years. He’s seeing someone, and wow—they look really happy. I’m genuinely happy for them. At the same time, I’ve been wanting to reach out to him to say congratulations and to apologize again for my past behavior. But the right thing to do is to say nothing, no matter how much I want to. This is how people’s lives get ruined—when a third party tempts someone to cheat. I would absolutely never cheat, but the only reason I want to reach out is because of  my  feelings, and that alone means I shouldn’t. There’s no good outcome: I could get rejected. I wouldn’t get rejected, but his girlfriend’s heart would be broken. He could lead both of us on and cheat in some capacity. Every possible outcome is bad, so I won’t say a word—no matter how badly I want to. UGH. It can be so hard to do the right thing. But I know it will be rewarding in the future.

 From now on, I’m keeping my guard up and not sharing my personal life with just anyone. I really thought I could trust certain people and considered them friends, but now I’m realizing they’re more like acquaintances. I’d rather share personal things with my YouTube subscribers and my blog. It sounds weird, but some people in real life can be so judgmental in your face, and it just feels different online. I actually prefer the judgment online—and honestly, I love how many kind supporters there are out there.

He was in the foyer for about 15–20 minutes, and I tried to savor the moment. But I’m not going to talk to him.  1. He doesn't like me 2. He’s going to BYU soon  3. He wants someone who’s 5'10" (which is totally understandable) I’ve always liked taller guys too, and there’s nothing wrong with having preferences. For me, it’s mainly because I find it more attractive, and it makes things like eating more and maintaining weight easier (genes I’d want for my kids).